Ah, Pandora’s mystical box. It’s awesome right? Or is it? Sure it feels good when you put your red rocket into our pink pocket, but you gotta have some sympathy for our poor old vaj. The ways in which the female reproductive organ has been depicted by man throughout history begs many a question. Is it a pathway to enlightenment, as it was for Indian practitioners of the Tantra? Or a ‘golden lotus’ as Chinese Tao philosophy maintained? Is it essentially the ‘hole’ that Elizabethans perceived it to be? Is the vagina a not-so-necessary organ that just happens to be attached to the glorious clitoris as the 1970s feminists thought? Is it simply a pleasurable orifice (by man or machine, who cares?) that’s there when you need it in between checking your Facebook and trying to get promoted? OR is the vagina simply a ham vienetta? Send the complaints and spelling mistakes to @BrodiSnook
It’s hard to know where we stand, especially in modern society, where it seems that with great power, comes great responsibility- and I ain’t talking about buying tampons. Shaving, waxing, buffing, bronzing, plucking, spraying, kegel exercises and/or spelling FCK ME BIG BOI in diamantes on a rashy patch of skin are now part of the basic up-keep of being the proud owner of a fanny. Obviously porn is a lot to blame, there’s a ridiculous Barbie-esque bar set by those bloody girls who feature heavily in your boyfriend’s deleted browsing data. If you’ve ever recorded yourself doing the deed you’ll have realized that like love at first sight and the nerdy guy getting the cheerleader, it only happens in the films. There are no ingrown hairs or varicose veins featured in porn, just effortlessly bald, tanned lady parts.
Let’s go back five thousand years, before clit-sticks and vajazzling, when The Sumerians believed a goddess’s ‘lap of honey’ or her ‘boat of heaven’ was a locus of pure holiness. Women were sexual priestesses who engaged in sacred intercourse with their worshippers, the men. This sounds hard to believe for any girl who has had her hair pulled, had her face covered with a pillow or been told to ‘suck it, bitch’ during sex. However back in the day, every culture that worshipped a certain ‘Goddess’ also believed that she had a dark and destructive side- and not only once a month. Many cultures have a form of ‘vagina dentata’, which literally translates as ‘vagina with teeth’. For example, there was a Greek belief that the unborn gods could emerge from the Mother’s womb to castrate their fathers, and Inuit myths told tales of women with dog heads where their vaginas should be. Whack! Mostly no one knew what the fuck fannies were even about. The Romans believed the vaj was an inside-out penis and that women were ‘inverted, and hence less perfect men’. They also believed that unattached women should masturbate for the sake of their mental health, the only of these insane old school ideas that I actually back up.
I guess now the vagina is the Holy Grail, the Mecca, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But this life-giving, fleshy miracle was once the antagonist. The men of yesteryear fucking hated vaginas. Definitely bent. It was believed that vaginas were the hateful enemy and that women were nothing but temptresses, luring innocent willies into the Satanic abyss of sexuality. Some women today are offended by modern terms like ‘gash’, ‘axe wound’, ‘stabin cabin’, ‘misty crevice’ and ‘velvet lined meat wallet’ but I personally am more upset by my special place being referred to as ‘the Devil’s gateway’. I think Eve fucked it for us, she got hungry and turned out to be a bad-ass sinner bitch instead of a wall flower and now if a woman in a thigh skimming skirt gets raped she was ‘asking for it’.
In the Middle Ages, a genius new way to control one’s woman was invented. The chastity belt was made up of metal body locks; two iron bars went around the wearer’s hips and a third through her legs. When men went on a lads holiday or off to war, they would literally lock up their wives’ vaginas and take the key with them. In Europe during the fourteenth and fifteenth centuries, any kind of disobedience or promiscuity was considered as witchcraft and ultimately entitled naughty girls to be horrifically tortured- not in a dirty/funky/flirty S&M way. The Pear of Anguish was a gadget inserted into the lady bits of a supposed ‘witch’ and expanded, as the torturer turned screws. When you combine this with unequal pay, I think we’re entitled to be a bit pissed off.
Once upon a time, it was thought that women had to orgasm during sex in order to successfully conceive and thus it was essential that she did so. On behalf of the entire female population I’d just like to thank whoever proved that one wrong for us. The medical condition known as ‘female hysteria’ swept Western Europe in the 19th century, whereby women who weren’t having their skittle diddled were experiencing symptoms such as nervousness, insomnia, muscle spasm and a ‘tendency to cause trouble’. Relief from hysteria came in the form of pelvic massage to the point of ‘hysterical paroxysm’ by a medical professional, i.e being wanked silly by a male doctor. No wonder girls fancy medics and regular men are lazy. Seriously, you guys can build rockets and send them to the Moon but you can’t find a clitoris?
In whichever way the vaj has been scrutinized since the beginning of time, it sure can be agreed that it is an elaborate, complex piece of art that baffles, intimidates and vaguely resembles a charcuterie platter. The worst of man’s assault, torture and demoralization of our ‘detested, dark, blood drinking pits’ may thankfully be over, but here’s a clip that justifies why many of us still harbour an underlying hate of the way our velvet lined meat wallets are objectified.